advice column: does he like me for me, or just for my body?

on gut instincts, first times, and refusing to settle

my body. photographed by my good friend jacqueline whitty.

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Love, Laura is your weekly Wednesday advice column for paid subscribers—honest answers to the messiest questions about sex, love, and everything in between.

I’ve been the other woman. I’ve stayed too long, left too soon, and played it cool when I wanted to fall apart. I’ve asked myself every question you’re too afraid to say out loud—and now I’m answering them.

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Dear Laura,

How do you really know—especially when you're new to sex—if someone actually likes you, or just likes having access to your body?

I recently ended a two-month relationship that held all my sexual firsts and yet—the only times I felt he truly liked me was when we were either talking about sex, or having it.

It left me feeling a little empty. Disappointed by an experience I thought would leave me feeling flushed and alive. I’m proud that I found the courage to walk away, but I keep wondering: what if this keeps happening? How do I protect myself without shutting down?

I want someone to like me, for me. Not just my body. What should I do?

Thanks in advance,
—D

Hi D,

First of all; welcome to the world of sex. It’s good to have you here. I know it can feel overwhelming, confusing, and—if we’re being honest—often a little disappointing at first. But don’t panic. It’s a journey for all of us. Especially for women.

What you’ve picked up on—that your ex-lover seemed more interested in sex and your body than you—is incredibly astute. Good on you for noticing it, and even better for walking away. As women we’re taught that being physically desired is the ultimate goal; that it’s some kind of finish line. But the fact that you’re already craving something deeper, something more emotionally rich—and that you’re willing to admit it!—is admirable.

I remember when I first starting having sex, I kind of put emotional desire on the back burner. To find someone that loved me as much as they loved having sex with me felt impossible. I admit that I settled for just sex, for a while.