advice column: do i wait for him to get rich, or walk away?

he's broke. i'm in love. now what?

everyone’s favourite hot broke man without a bed frame, adam in girls. credit: HBO

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Love, Laura is your weekly Wednesday advice column for paid subscribers*—honest answers to the messiest questions about sex, love, and everything in between.

I’ve been the other woman. I’ve stayed too long, left too soon, and played it cool when I wanted to fall apart. I’ve asked myself every question you’re too afraid to say out loud—and now I’m answering them.

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Dear Laura,
Help—I am in limbo! He is great, we are great, but he has no financial stability. He’s what you call… broke. I was previously in a relationship with someone who was financially abusive. Ran up my credit cards, lied to me about paying them back, etc. I was in huge debt. Crawled my way out, but now I’m in love with someone who is having a hard time supporting themselves. We are both 35. I don't want to fall into the trap of taking care of someone again. I feel a sense of guilt for wanting to go to nice dinners and be taken out. Do I wait for him to get his shit together? Big career break? Or do I walk away now before it really starts to feel un-sexy.
Sincerely,
— J

Dear J,

Ah, limbo. That space where your gut is whispering things your heart would rather ignore. But there’s a reason you feel the urge to talk it out. I’m glad you’re here. Let’s work through this together.

First, let me say this: after surviving financial abuse in a previous relationship, it only makes sense to be on high alert. We have a tendency to find ourselves in familiar cycles when it comes to romantic love, so to be wary about falling into another relationship where you find yourself as the carer—is simply self aware. You’re looking out for yourself.

I can only imagine the extent of gaslighting and emotional abuse that comes with someone you love draining your wallet behind your back. I’m sorry you experienced that. I’m sorry your generosity was taken for granted, and that your trust was broken in such a violating way. That’s a hard thing to come back from. We want to believe the people we love won’t hurt us—and it truly stings when they do.

I have no doubt you learned a lot from that experience. That you noticed behaviours that didn’t sit right, but were convinced to let them slide. That you tried to see the best in someone, even as the red flags piled up. That you kicked yourself for not trusting your gut. And I’m sure that after everything you went through, you promised yourself that next time would be different. That you’d move forward wiser, sharper, and with your instincts intact.

So to find yourself here—questioning what your partner’s financial position might say about who they are and what kind of partner they’ll be—must be tough. But it’s also really healthy.

I think what you’re seeking isn’t actual financial security. It’s not about a skyline apartment, the freedom to not work or dining at Michelin star restaurants. Sure, beautiful things are…beautiful, and being taken out feels good. Sometimes you just want someone to say, “babe, I’ve got this one.” And IMO—there’s nothing anti-feminist about loving the feeling of being cared for.

(Side note: I just want to say that wanting to be ‘treated’ to ‘nice things’ in a relationship is completely acceptable. I’ve been in relationships where that desire was seen as shallow or too much and heavily criticised and I have no time for that. It’s not about the monetary value of the treat, it’s about the intention and care behind it. It’s about the other person having the capacity to give to you, without it taking anything away from them. That capacity, to me, signifies a person who is relationship-ready.)

But back to my diagnosis of your concern—it’s not really about the money. It’s about what the money represents. At 35, being broke isn't an immediate red flag. Life is expensive, capitalism is bleak, and modern careers are far from linear.

And as someone who has never fallen in love based on net worth or financial status, I can honestly say that money doesn’t really mean anything. I tried to date rich men in my early twenties—because duh, I want to be a writer that doesn’t have a day job—but I didn’t enjoy it. The experiences mostly felt hollow. To rich dudes, expensive champagne is like tap water, beautiful women are a dime a dozen and they’re absolutely convinced that everyone wants to rip them off. It was anything but glamourous.

But even with my firm stance on vibes over cash, being broke doesn’t exactly feel vibe-y either.

Because the truth is, being broke can hint at something else: a lack of direction, sense of self, mental stability and desire for commitment.

Whether those things concern you, is the real question. If you’re thinking about children, a shared future, or even just yearning to feel more supported—then it’s worth paying attention to what broke might be a proxy for. Because you’ve been here before. You’ve seen what financial chaos can mask—and how those consequences can impact you. You’re concerned about what being broke means about who they are.

And these concerns? They’re likely impacting how you feel about them emotionally and therefore; sexually. You said you don’t want things to “feel unsexy.” But it’s hard to feel sexy about someone you’re not sure you can trust to support you. I know this because it’s happened in all of my relationships—even the one I’m in now. I find my boyfriend to be the sexiest man on the planet, almost always. But I still have moments—sometimes days—where I’m just not horny for him. And every time, I’ve noticed a pattern: it happens in moments where I don’t feel safe, supported, or seen.

That’s not to say he doesn’t show up. He sees and supports me more than anyone ever has. He knows how to make me feel safe, and I know that matters to him. But in the smaller moments—when he forgets to consider my feelings, when he’s emotionally elsewhere—I feel my libido drop.

(I actually wrote a whole other article about it here).

No one wants to feel unsexy in a romantic relationship—I know it’s a fear we all carry—but it’s your body’s way of keeping you safe. And isn’t that amazing? It’s physically communicating whatever it is that you’re feeling, emotionally. If, in the back of your mind, you’re worried that the person you love is not the person you need, then it’s only natural for your pussy to be closed for business.

And DW, I’m not saying that you’re only turned on by a limitless credit card. It runs deeper than that.

charlotte york, on knowing your worth. credit: HBO

Money might not be what you actually want—but it can symbolise the things you do. Because let’s be honest: a partner can show up in ways that cost nothing but their time, presence, awareness, and care. Still, money can be code for something else. Stability. Intent. Commitment. Motivation. The quiet promise that someone is capable—not just of love, but of life. It makes commitment feel more real, more rooted. Like you're not the only one holding it all together, like you’ve got back-up. And to me—and maybe you, too?—that is the whole point of a relationship.

This can be tricky to admit or talk about—especially with men. Our culture wires them to see financial success as the cornerstone of their masculinity. It’s like having a big dick, I assume. If you’ve got it, you’re invincible; if you don’t, you overcompensate in other ways hoping that no one will notice. So when conversations about money come up, many feel exposed—ashamed, defensive, afraid you’ll confirm the thing they already fear: that they’re not doing enough.

So, I’d suggest two things.

1 — Get honest with yourself about what you want.
Not what you’re “allowed” to want, not what seems reasonable, but what you actually want. Is that kids? Open communication? Financial transparency? What would make you feel safe and supported? What does your dream relationship look like? Write it down. Map it out. Be honest with yourself about your insecurities, and what they might require from a partner. Give yourself clarity, without judgement.

2 — Once you know, talk to him.
Open up a conversation—not about how he can “make more money,” but about what partnership means to both of you. Tell him what you feel you need, and why you need it. Explain your wounds to him, and share how they impact you. Open up your inner world to him and ask him to share his own. Arrive with curiosity, not judgement. See if your expectations for a romantic relationship align—not because he has the cash, but because he has the capacity.

We’re taught as women to be grateful for love in any form. To settle for potential. To stay soft, accommodating, and understanding—even when we’re the ones going without. But you have control over the kind of relationship you’d like to be in. Who you love is something you get to choose.

Love,
Laura

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