I can’t speak for every man but in my case it has always been important that the woman I am having sex with gets as much if not more enjoyment than me. It's like the more she enjoys it the more I will. So I have always tried my best to make sure her sexual needs are satisfied in the act. Though a lot of that comes down to communication and being experienced in what you are doing.
Not wanting to blow my own trumpet (haven't been able to do that in many years) but I do think a lot of this is down to education.
My school sex ed was about what men did, the woman was there basically as a receptacle for something before you could roll over and go to sleep.
And nowadays there's not really magazines like "Forum" which had experts to say what were the best things to do to please your partner.
I lost my mf virginity very late in comparison to most of my peers, but that was good because it gave me years to read about what a woman might like, and what other women enjoyed having done to please them.
When I did eventually sleep with a woman she wouldn't believe it was my first time because it felt like I knew my way around her body.
So, yes, teach your sons that sex is a mutual thing, that giving pleasure will get you pleasure in return, and that it's not just pump pump squirt sleep.
My wife says there's something unsexy about asking and part of the thrill comes from sponteneity.
I struggle with finding the balance between sponteneity and informing myself as to what she likes and wants.
I think this paragraph you wrote really reflects that sentiment "Maybe it’s about someone showing you something new—touching you in a way you’ve never been touched before, saying something that shifts something inside you, and suddenly you can’t believe you’ve gone your whole life without knowing it. Like when you hear a song with lyrics that speak to a feeling you’ve never been able to put words to, or when a piece of writing says something so true it feels like it was written by a version of you in another life."
I think that not loving what you can’t control for both men AND women is a problem. Emotional maturity and a sense of self is being comfortable not having control. Needing control lends itself to insecurity.
I think, in my admittedly limited experience that the fundamental sexual difference between males and females is this: women have to be fully (ergo, sexually AND emotionally) satisfied to orgasm, men, by contrast, do not necessarily require full satisfaction to have an orgasm. I think this difference is responsible for much misunderstanding between the sexes.
Indeed. I love the constant implication that women understand, and have more empathy for men than vice versa. This, contrary to feminist presumption, is CLEARLY not true.
Just brilliant! A clear, concise essay on female sexuality. It really is our responsibility as women to teach men how to pleasure us. It’s great when there’s incredible chemistry and the body just responds without any technique or knowledge of what works or doesn’t but that’s not a typical scenario in my experience. It would be ideal if men, in general had more curiosity, enough to ask what their woman wants. And it would be wonderful if we always felt safe enough and had no need to protect our male lovers delicate ego to be forthright in sharing what it is we like and want. I know for me, orgasm through penetration was a rare phenomenon, one I certainly didn’t count on to get me where I wanted to go. Without clitoral friction, it just wasn’t gonna happen. I mean, how often can you get that angle just right? Well, maybe if you’re on top? Or if you’re on your side. But I would still need a “reach around”. And why does it even matter? I mean, why all this effort to try to orgasm from penetration? It’s lovely of course and it gives a man incredible pleasure and will allow him to arrive as you say, close to 100% of the time. But it sure as hell ain’t the be all end all for most of us ladies.
That was true back when I was your age and it’s now, over three + decades later, more true than ever. There isn’t any lizard brain imperative to propagate the species anymore. Meaning, I don’t have the kind of hormones that used to drive me to want penetration (even though I knew it was a crapshoot whether or not I would come that way).
Anyway, the more men understand and have curiosity about the actual arrangement of our anatomy and where our orgasms come from, the more everybody’s gonna be happy in the bedroom. 😋 As you say, the more pleasure you give the more you get.! Win win! 😌
You’re wrong to assume that humans have transcended our evolutionary purpose. Your body was created through evolution, to fulfill an evolutionary purpose. Maybe the shame you speak of is a consequence of your mistaken rejection of your body’s purpose. Just a thought.
Did I speak of shame here...? I'm sorry. I can be a little dense sometimes. But I don't quite understand your correlation between what works to have a predictable orgasm (regarding penetration) and evolution. When I speak of not needing to propagate the species, I"m referring to women of a certain age, who have no more eggs to give (or fucks to give for that matter) in terms of making babies.
Okay. But the physiology remains the same. The clitoris is APART of female anatomy, and thus, must play a role pursuant to the PURPOSE of female anatomy. I’m not saying there is only one way to have good sex, but the notion that penetration would be a dubious method of achieving good sex simply cannot be true.
I'm not saying it's not possible. (Apparently, about 20 % of the female population reports orgasming this way.) I'm saying (and I can only speak from my personal experience) it's unpredictable and there can be a lot of effort into getting into just the right position to get the right amount of friction with penetration alone. I've explored quite a few women's rose gardens, up close and personal, in an intimate context. And I can say without a doubt, the arrangement of their anatomy looks just like mine (with a few aesthetic differences). I don't think my parts are deformed. But what I'm curioius about here is why is it so important that you need for me (women) to orgasm with your penis, with penetration? Really, who cares how it happens? Pleasure is pleasure, no matter how you get there. No? ☺️
Another aspect of this that women should consider, especially American ones: does your partner happen to have been mutilated as a child? I can’t imagine circumcision is aiding in the cause for good sex… unfortunately, I myself happen to have scars on my penis; I’m sure to be at a deficit in the pleasure department as a result.
I can't speak for men, but in my observation, circumcised or not, they seem to enjoy an equal amount of pleasure. But that is subjective. I'm sorry you feel you might have gotten jipped in the pleasure department, having been "mutilated" as you say. I guess it's possible there might be nerves that didn't reconnect?
Well first of all, because my penis is MY penis. And personally, sorry for the TMI, but you did ask, I do experience pleasure in using my penis.
But that’s kinda beside the point I’m making, I just think people are doing it wrong. It doesn’t make sense to me that nature would endow women with an erogenous bit of anatomy that cannot be stimulated by the penis (considering the fact that the male penis and the female vagina are evolved to facilitate reproduction, and reproduction cannot occur any other way).
It’s you, a man, trying to mansplain female anatomy to a woman. This is y’all’s problem. You can’t just stfu and listen when women say your useless dick is doing nothing. MOST WOMEN NEED CLITORAL STIMULATION TO COME. Get that into your head. You claim to want the info but you don’t fucking listen. Like shut tf up and listen when a woman is quite literally telling you what women need. Goodness!! The audacity!
ive experienced it... and even if it doesn't result in something longer term, sometimes just knowing that that kind of abundant connection exists is the fuel to keep living fully
Wow, terrifically written. I love how I can read you struggling with this idea of chemistry and what it is and what it means and coming thru it to a conclusion that might not be completely satisfying but will have to do.
Maybe chemistry is in our heads. Maybe it's mutual projection. Maybe I project my masculinity onto her as she projects her feminity onto me. Maybe if both parties are open to it and trust one another enough to let go and accept this process, that's where the magic happens?
That moment when you first see each other and just know - who can explain that? I don’t know if I believe in past lives but that’s how it feels. Sometimes it’s just fantasy meeting fantasy and only skin deep. Other times it’s a connection that transcends even death.
Yes. How to explain it how to explain that look in her eyes that despite the number of photographs I took of her face I could never capture, but it’s in my memory right now anytime I wish to recall it. And I recall it all the time. It makes me miss her so much. What was the thing that happened on a blanket in the park on that first day of June when we reconnected after a lengthy absence and something was different. If there was a device to detect the flow of chemistry, it would’ve been going mad that day. It was the butterflies. She told me that later Certain that I had other lovers and that I would not place her among them. If she could’ve only known how I would come to place her above all others with just one look at those eyes, like I just saw her a minute ago, like she will come out of the bedroom Any second. Thank you for what you wrote.
I can’t speak for every man but in my case it has always been important that the woman I am having sex with gets as much if not more enjoyment than me. It's like the more she enjoys it the more I will. So I have always tried my best to make sure her sexual needs are satisfied in the act. Though a lot of that comes down to communication and being experienced in what you are doing.
Almost all men are like this, and wrongly think all the other men aren’t. Most men really want their sexual partner to enjoy the experience.
So true. 🤣
Not wanting to blow my own trumpet (haven't been able to do that in many years) but I do think a lot of this is down to education.
My school sex ed was about what men did, the woman was there basically as a receptacle for something before you could roll over and go to sleep.
And nowadays there's not really magazines like "Forum" which had experts to say what were the best things to do to please your partner.
I lost my mf virginity very late in comparison to most of my peers, but that was good because it gave me years to read about what a woman might like, and what other women enjoyed having done to please them.
When I did eventually sleep with a woman she wouldn't believe it was my first time because it felt like I knew my way around her body.
So, yes, teach your sons that sex is a mutual thing, that giving pleasure will get you pleasure in return, and that it's not just pump pump squirt sleep.
Well said and the humor is a plus too.
My wife says there's something unsexy about asking and part of the thrill comes from sponteneity.
I struggle with finding the balance between sponteneity and informing myself as to what she likes and wants.
I think this paragraph you wrote really reflects that sentiment "Maybe it’s about someone showing you something new—touching you in a way you’ve never been touched before, saying something that shifts something inside you, and suddenly you can’t believe you’ve gone your whole life without knowing it. Like when you hear a song with lyrics that speak to a feeling you’ve never been able to put words to, or when a piece of writing says something so true it feels like it was written by a version of you in another life."
I think spontaneity is sexy, too. It allows for intimacy to happen naturally
You should ask, but you should only ask after. Asking in the moment kills the vibe.
"But the problem is, most of them (men) never ask."
And I wonder what role parents play in raising children...when do we teach them to ask?
This is an interesting question. What do you think?
I think it's important to impart that knowledge when we have the sex talk because no one is born knowing all things.
It's part of the 3 G's Good, Giving and Game
Good in bed
Giving the other person what they need
&
Game for anything within reason
most men can't love what they can't control....
That is a problem.
Pure feminist bullshit. That question, and your answer, demonstrates both a lack of knowledge about men, and a lack of concern for them
I think that not loving what you can’t control for both men AND women is a problem. Emotional maturity and a sense of self is being comfortable not having control. Needing control lends itself to insecurity.
I think, in my admittedly limited experience that the fundamental sexual difference between males and females is this: women have to be fully (ergo, sexually AND emotionally) satisfied to orgasm, men, by contrast, do not necessarily require full satisfaction to have an orgasm. I think this difference is responsible for much misunderstanding between the sexes.
Agreed.
Indeed. I love the constant implication that women understand, and have more empathy for men than vice versa. This, contrary to feminist presumption, is CLEARLY not true.
….yes, and here we are.
yup....just look around. Kill it, eat it, or fuck it....is all about control.
🤣
Just brilliant! A clear, concise essay on female sexuality. It really is our responsibility as women to teach men how to pleasure us. It’s great when there’s incredible chemistry and the body just responds without any technique or knowledge of what works or doesn’t but that’s not a typical scenario in my experience. It would be ideal if men, in general had more curiosity, enough to ask what their woman wants. And it would be wonderful if we always felt safe enough and had no need to protect our male lovers delicate ego to be forthright in sharing what it is we like and want. I know for me, orgasm through penetration was a rare phenomenon, one I certainly didn’t count on to get me where I wanted to go. Without clitoral friction, it just wasn’t gonna happen. I mean, how often can you get that angle just right? Well, maybe if you’re on top? Or if you’re on your side. But I would still need a “reach around”. And why does it even matter? I mean, why all this effort to try to orgasm from penetration? It’s lovely of course and it gives a man incredible pleasure and will allow him to arrive as you say, close to 100% of the time. But it sure as hell ain’t the be all end all for most of us ladies.
That was true back when I was your age and it’s now, over three + decades later, more true than ever. There isn’t any lizard brain imperative to propagate the species anymore. Meaning, I don’t have the kind of hormones that used to drive me to want penetration (even though I knew it was a crapshoot whether or not I would come that way).
Anyway, the more men understand and have curiosity about the actual arrangement of our anatomy and where our orgasms come from, the more everybody’s gonna be happy in the bedroom. 😋 As you say, the more pleasure you give the more you get.! Win win! 😌
You’re wrong to assume that humans have transcended our evolutionary purpose. Your body was created through evolution, to fulfill an evolutionary purpose. Maybe the shame you speak of is a consequence of your mistaken rejection of your body’s purpose. Just a thought.
Did I speak of shame here...? I'm sorry. I can be a little dense sometimes. But I don't quite understand your correlation between what works to have a predictable orgasm (regarding penetration) and evolution. When I speak of not needing to propagate the species, I"m referring to women of a certain age, who have no more eggs to give (or fucks to give for that matter) in terms of making babies.
Okay. But the physiology remains the same. The clitoris is APART of female anatomy, and thus, must play a role pursuant to the PURPOSE of female anatomy. I’m not saying there is only one way to have good sex, but the notion that penetration would be a dubious method of achieving good sex simply cannot be true.
I'm not saying it's not possible. (Apparently, about 20 % of the female population reports orgasming this way.) I'm saying (and I can only speak from my personal experience) it's unpredictable and there can be a lot of effort into getting into just the right position to get the right amount of friction with penetration alone. I've explored quite a few women's rose gardens, up close and personal, in an intimate context. And I can say without a doubt, the arrangement of their anatomy looks just like mine (with a few aesthetic differences). I don't think my parts are deformed. But what I'm curioius about here is why is it so important that you need for me (women) to orgasm with your penis, with penetration? Really, who cares how it happens? Pleasure is pleasure, no matter how you get there. No? ☺️
Another aspect of this that women should consider, especially American ones: does your partner happen to have been mutilated as a child? I can’t imagine circumcision is aiding in the cause for good sex… unfortunately, I myself happen to have scars on my penis; I’m sure to be at a deficit in the pleasure department as a result.
I can't speak for men, but in my observation, circumcised or not, they seem to enjoy an equal amount of pleasure. But that is subjective. I'm sorry you feel you might have gotten jipped in the pleasure department, having been "mutilated" as you say. I guess it's possible there might be nerves that didn't reconnect?
Well first of all, because my penis is MY penis. And personally, sorry for the TMI, but you did ask, I do experience pleasure in using my penis.
But that’s kinda beside the point I’m making, I just think people are doing it wrong. It doesn’t make sense to me that nature would endow women with an erogenous bit of anatomy that cannot be stimulated by the penis (considering the fact that the male penis and the female vagina are evolved to facilitate reproduction, and reproduction cannot occur any other way).
It’s you, a man, trying to mansplain female anatomy to a woman. This is y’all’s problem. You can’t just stfu and listen when women say your useless dick is doing nothing. MOST WOMEN NEED CLITORAL STIMULATION TO COME. Get that into your head. You claim to want the info but you don’t fucking listen. Like shut tf up and listen when a woman is quite literally telling you what women need. Goodness!! The audacity!
Well I don't know what to tell ya. I can only speak from my experience. Maybe you should do a survey?
absolutely loved this one... "But I think our bodies know when we need each other—and I don’t think any of us are immune to that."
ive experienced it... and even if it doesn't result in something longer term, sometimes just knowing that that kind of abundant connection exists is the fuel to keep living fully
Sex in long term relationships is less satisfying, raw, and intense
Ugh. Definitively not true in my experience
Wow, terrifically written. I love how I can read you struggling with this idea of chemistry and what it is and what it means and coming thru it to a conclusion that might not be completely satisfying but will have to do.
Maybe chemistry is in our heads. Maybe it's mutual projection. Maybe I project my masculinity onto her as she projects her feminity onto me. Maybe if both parties are open to it and trust one another enough to let go and accept this process, that's where the magic happens?
Um…maybe some of us are good students…?
Yeah, some of you are!
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I enjoy reading your work. Don’t stop! All the best. Dave
You are so so so so marvelous !!!!! Subscribed !💌
“There’s no curriculum for female complexity.”
Truer words have rarely before been uttered!
indeed.
Wow. You are a phenomenal writer. Loved every second of reading (and hearing) this!
Thank you so much! <3
That moment when you first see each other and just know - who can explain that? I don’t know if I believe in past lives but that’s how it feels. Sometimes it’s just fantasy meeting fantasy and only skin deep. Other times it’s a connection that transcends even death.
Beautiful essay. Thank you.
Yes. How to explain it how to explain that look in her eyes that despite the number of photographs I took of her face I could never capture, but it’s in my memory right now anytime I wish to recall it. And I recall it all the time. It makes me miss her so much. What was the thing that happened on a blanket in the park on that first day of June when we reconnected after a lengthy absence and something was different. If there was a device to detect the flow of chemistry, it would’ve been going mad that day. It was the butterflies. She told me that later Certain that I had other lovers and that I would not place her among them. If she could’ve only known how I would come to place her above all others with just one look at those eyes, like I just saw her a minute ago, like she will come out of the bedroom Any second. Thank you for what you wrote.